The Big Bang Explained -- The briefest History of Time


I am going to take the cosmological part of Cosmological Cabbage and explain the Big Bang today. The universe started from a single point, and exploded in the Big Bang. It was nothing like a Hugh Hefner big bang. This was the biggest kahuna that you would ever want to see.

Scientists say that the point that the universe exploded from, had infinite mass. Hah -- what do they know. The only thing with infinite mass is the catholic church. What scientists do not realize is that mass was created in the big bang.

The point that started it all was like a package of jello. A very small packet can make a pretty big thing of wobbly mass. Jello is not the only thing that can make a wobbly mass -- so can a drunken priest and cellulite.

Anyway, the primordial point that was to be the world, the universe and erryting was 'sploded in a cosmological big bang. Twisted bits of space-time called tingums were coalesced from energy. Fourteen billion years later, they were given the name of subatomic particles. There are many brands of sub A particles. There are quirks and quarks, and leptons and protons and gravitons and gluons and freons, rub-ons and all sort of stuff. One particle is the god particle or the Capt'n Crunch Higgs Bosun which gives mass to other particles. See, you don't need mass to start the universe, you just get it afterwards when the particles all start sticking together like your pants on the stool in a cheap bar.

And pretty soon all the atoms freeze up into ice and comets and in the region of Uranus, they form assteroids. Then along comes the sun and burns for four billion years and blows up. The splosion creates carbon, and when things settle back into protons, electrons and klingons, life begins. At first its a primordial soup, but just like things in the fridge sitting for a long while, eventually it can make itself get up and walk away.

Of course I've skipped a lot in this brief history of Time, but the stuff that I skipped over is details. The bottom line is that we came outta the big bang and some day the whole shebang is gonna fizzle to a stop. I should be retired by then.

There is still a lot of explaining to do on quantum weirdness and all that sort of stuff, but we will save discussions of my family members for a later date. I hope that you are better informed on cosmology after reading this.

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