Pizza Theory of the Universe

Last Thursday was the last time that I put pinkies to keyboard. In the interval, I have been living out of my computer bag and in hotel rooms. The BMW is still stuck at the airport, because I lost the key a week ago. And all around me, celebrities of all sorts are dropping like flies.

More people are dying than have ever died before. We have Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays and Fred Travalena kicking off and leaving their mortal coils behind. Fred who you ask? I remember watching him many years ago on the Tonight Show, as he imitated a European police siren perfectly. I used to hear the European siren in the French movies that I watched.

I used to think that Farrah Fawcett was the epitome of female pulchritude when I was a young man. I liked Michael Jackson when he was black. As for Billy Mays, I just got hooked watching "The Pitchmen" on the Discovery Channel. Are all of these deaths in a short space of time connected? You bet. They are all manifestations of the Pizza Theory of the Universe.

When the Big Bang happened, matter didn't spread evenly across the universe. Clumps of it accreted together and formed stars, planets, comets and plastic. If matter was spread evenly in the universe, it would be cosmic pablum with a soupy consistency.

It is the same way with mushrooms or green pepper or any topping on a pizza. It is not distributed evenly. There are spots on the pizza where the groceries clump together. That is why some slices of the pizza are more preferrable than others.

This also happens in the time domain. Celebrity deaths clump together instead of spreading evenly through the year. Trouble and stress all come in clumps, and that is why I am frazzled. It is why my car is stuck in daily parking at the airport, and I don't have a minute to myself.

But I keep telling myself, it is just a manifestation of the Pizza Theory of the Universe. I can hardly wait to get out of this clump of stress. But as the old sayings go, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Except if you are the Lovely One. She freezes them and fills them with sherbet. They look kind of suggestive.

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